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August 14, 2013 / MissSteele

Tuck N’ Roll

I cannot testify to this on behalf of everyone, but I know that in Kentucky, not all parts of the state are created equal. For the most part, Kentucky is a state like any other in that we have some areas that are statistically better than others when it comes to tourism and site-seeing. In Kentucky, you can drive from a large city with an active night life and fine dining, to a place where the townspeople are excited about getting a new stoplight. Sometimes when you leave one part of Kentucky you can go from “Oh, this looks pretty,” to “OH MY GOD! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!”

My husband and I learned this quickly when we first moved from a different part of the state to another for work. Upon our arrival, we immediately discovered that a good 60 percent of the townspeople were on meth. Turns out, meth is what that town is “known for.” I suppose it was sort of its niche, like “Come for the meth, stay because you had to sell your car for more meth.” I believe they actually voted to put that slogan on their warning welcoming sign. They also had one of the highest rates of unwed mothers in the country. So there’s that.

Anyway, we were driving down some back roads trying to get familiar with our new surroundings when we came upon a house that had a FUCKING COFFIN in the front yard. And it wasn’t one of those Styrofoam coffins you buy for Halloween. This was the middle of summer and it was a genuine coffin. Meant for a child. In the middle of the yard. Just chillin’.

1324580114_shopping_cart_stunt_failLater on at a gas station, we also had the pleasure of seeing an amputee flog another man in the head with his arm-stump. We were also able to observe several classy couples sauntering through town in their Tweety Bird and Family Guy pajama pants, which appeared to be the official town attire of choice. Then, we passed by a gaggle of preteens pushing each other around in Walmart shopping carts in front of the Dairy Dreamer because, quite frankly they had nothing better to do. And please don’t be worried. At least two of those 12-year-olds were pregnant, so it couldn’t have been that unsafe.

Frankly, I don’t understand how they managed to steal that many shopping carts without looking suspicious. It reminded me of when I lived in the dorms and the lobby became so overcrowded with shopping carts that they had to make a rule to keep them outside. Seriously, so many students were stealing shopping carts that the dorms could not contain them. It was like an obstacle course to get to the elevator. To be fair, most of them came from the foreign-exchange students because they didn’t have cars, so they would walk to the grocery store and push the cart full of groceries back to their dorms.

I am sure stores were beginning to take notice as to why their herds of carts were beginning to dwindle in numbers. Little did they know at that very moment, a German college student was pushing a cart away thinking, “I will take this $75.00 shopping cart. Walmart won’t care.”

Anyway, back to the backwoods. I am not trying to demean country living at all. I love the country. I was born and raised in it. I’m just saying that some towns are a little different than others. I think we can all agree upon that, no matter where you live. And, it’s not like my time there was completely miserable.

I did make a great friend during the time I lived there.  She was, by far, one of the most countrified people on the face of the Earth and she was proud of it. She was also hilarious and crude, a trait I admire in other women. I liked her because she was kind of a bitch. Not a full-blown bitch, because no one wants to be around that, but just enough so that she wasn’t a prude.

She also went on several dates with men she met online, and I really enjoyed living vicariously through her. You see, I never did the online dating thing, but I always enjoy hearing the stories from people who participate on the dating sites. Especially the dating sites you don’t have to pay to use because those seem to really attract the mutants with mullets and dirty mouths.

It also sort of makes me fear for the future of mankind when I read some of the messages my friends receive on these sites. I am not even kidding when I say a guy messaged my friend and said only, “Girl, I wanna lick dat ass.”

He didn’t even begin by saying, “Hello, my name is Derek. I am an independent contractor and I enjoy fishing in my spare time.” Nope. He just went straight for the goods with that one. I’m sorry, but are women expected to swoon at a comment like this? Is this romantic to anyone? Is chivalry really to the point that a phrase like this is acceptable to say to a woman you are interested in dating?

What happened to, “I would like to take you on a date” or even “can I text you?” Have we really lowered ourselves to these standards? A pick-up line like “Honey, I’d suck the fart out of your car seat” isn’t really a panty-dropper, is it?

Sometimes, they don’t even write anything at all. They simply just send a picture. One of my friends opened her inbox to see a gentleman had sent a selfie of him  in the bathroom mirror holding his penis in his hand like it was out for display. What was she supposed to do with that? Did he really think she was going to be like, “Oh, yeah. I like that. That is a nice penis. What time shall you pick me up?”

Needless to say, the world of internet dating can be a strange place. You truly are lucky if you get past the guys taking pictures of their giggle sticks and trying out promising pick-up lines involving analingus. That’s why every Monday morning, I would brace myself for the joy I was about to receive when she walked through the door and began her good morning phrase with, “Gurl, lemme tell ya bout my weekend!” Honestly, I couldn’t wait to hear about each disastrous date.

I know that makes me sound like a sadistic bitch who reveled in the suffering of others, but it wasn’t like that at all. I didn’t wish misfortune upon her, I wanted her to be happy and I knew she would find a great guy eventually (which she did). It’s just that sitting in an uncomfortable office chair and staring at reports on a computer screen can get a little mundane from time to time, so hearing about her surreal dating mishaps provided me with a source of amusement at work.

Every Monday she would swear off online dating, but come Friday she was wriggling into a tube top and shimmying out the door to meet her next suitor. I’m convinced she only went out with a few of them to get a free meal, which probably would have worked out better if half of them didn’t play the “Oh, I left my wallet at home” excuse. She admits now she shouldn’t have been surprised by these guys considering she had to pick them up at their mother’s house to go on a date. Truth be told, if a guy is 28-years-old, lives with his mother and doesn’t have a car, he is probably just trying to get a free meal as well.

While I enjoyed hearing about the guys with naked-lady tattoos, the guys with feet fetishes and the guys with wives they forgot to mention, two particular stories stick out in my mind as my absolute favorites. The first one being a young gentleman from Clay, Kentucky, which was about a half hour or so away from where we were living at the time.

If you live there, I’m sorry. I’m sure it is a great little town. However, this story is the only representation I have to go on, so forgive me if I terrify everyone and deter them from ever coming there.

First of all, she had to drive to his mother’s house to pick him up (shocker), which I previously explained was a good half hour away. All I have to say is his presumably photo shopped profile picture must have looked damn good to her. Anyway, she had a little trouble finding his house, seeing as she was out in the middle of nowhere, so she called him to ask for directions. As she was pulling onto his road, phone to ear, she heard him say, “Oh, I see ya!”

To her horror, she pulled closer only to see an unkempt gentleman wearing a dirty tank top and a grungy pair of jeans standing at the end of his gravel driveway. He was waving her into this driveway like he was trying to land a plane and the grass in his yard stood higher than the roof of her car.

She felt a wave of nervousness and regret rush over her as she sat in her car, contemplating on whether or not to actually get out or floor it in reverse and take off running. Before she could make the decision to flee, he was tapping on her driver’s side glass, grinning from ear to ear and waving at her like a child waves to his parents during the middle of a school play.

After being forced to make awkward small talk with him in the middle of his driveway, he asked her to come inside to meet his family, because who doesn’t want to meet someone’s entire family on a first date, especially when they rival Leatherface’s family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I know what you are thinking- this is how people get killed. Sonny also thought the same thing, which is why she discreetly clutched her mace in the ready-to-fire position.

As she stood inside the rickety old trailer that looked as though it had been abandoned for several years, she became convinced they were actually squatters who came upon the vacant property and decided to stake claim upon it. His grandmother and mother were swaying back and forth in their rocking chairs while watching a very special episode of “Who’s the Daddy?” on Maury in their moo-moos, bras apparently optional. The air in the trailer was thick with the stench of cat piss and his grandmother was spitting dip into an old Mountain Dew bottle.

After giving her a friendly hello they proceeded to tell her, “You better be careful out ‘round these parts, hun. People done gone missin’ out ‘round here and they ain’t never found ‘em. They ain’t never found out who done it, neither.”

Obviously uneasy, she quickly walked towards the door with every intention of leaving John Boy behind and getting the Hell out of there. But, before she could charge through the screen door, John Boy yelled, “Wait! Wait a sec!”

Against her better judgment, she turned around to see him holding a 3-year-old girl on his hip. “She’s gotta go with us!” he declared. “Momma cain’t watch her right now, so we gotta take her.”

Yes. That’s right. John Boy’s idea of a date was making her drive him and his 3-year-old child around Clay, Kentucky in her 2-door Cavalier with no air conditioning.

TIME OUT: For those of you reading this thinking, “Well, that was Kentucky, I’m sure this is typical behavior for that state and wasn’t at all out of the ordinary” let me just assure you that you are out of your damn mind. This sort of behavior isn’t acceptable or ordinary in ANY part of ANY state. Sure, we have our rednecks and whatnot, but this was some backwoods Deliverance shit that no one is accustomed to seeing, no matter where they happen to live. Even Sonny, a woman who can skin a deer and likes to go “muddin’” in her spare time, felt like she was about to reenact a scene from The Hills Have Eyes.

I asked her why in the holy fuck she didn’t bolt the moment she saw the guy and she simply replied, “Well, I didn’t want to be rude.”

Right. Rude. This coming from a woman who got up and left in the middle of sex with a man because it was “boring”. That’s right. While he was mid-thrust, she literally got up and left. She said to him “this sucks”, then crawled out from under him, grabbed her clothes and ran out the door like his wife came home or something. Poor guy, he was probably so confused.

Anyway, let me end this chapter with my other favorite dating story of hers.

So, like I have formerly mentioned, these men she met online haven’t exactly been winners. Therefore, it really should come as no surprise to anyone that a few of them were probably criminals. In fact, I began to wonder if the “dating site” she was frequenting was actually the local jail web site.

One particular night, she ventured out once more to go pick up yet another young gent (another dude without a car, surprise!). He seemed normal enough, cute even. They were actually having a pretty good time, in fact, he even paid for dinner! He then asked her if she would like to continue the night with a movie. She was ecstatic at the thought this guy could actually be half-way decent. Sadly, her exuberance was short-lived.

On their way to the movie theater, they came upon a roadblock that had been set up by the police as a way to snag drunk drivers, which had recently become a pervasive problem in that town. They must have run out of meth that week. At any rate, Homeboy saw the flashing lights up ahead and freaked out. As Sonny continued to drive towards the road block, she noticed that her date was hurriedly unbuckling himself from his seat.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

He replied with, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Before she had time to even react or ask a question, he quickly flung the door open, crossed his arms like he was about to go down a water slide, and rolled out the door while the car was still fucking going! Judging from the precision of his “tuck n’ roll” technique, he was no newby when it came to flinging himself from moving vehicles.

She was in such shock that she just kept driving forward while her passenger-side door was still wide-open, flapping back and forth with each burst of wind. She just kept worriedly glancing over at her passenger seat and wondering what had just happened.

As she approached the line of cars at the road block, she could see Homeboy in her rear-view mirror darting through a nearby field. He was high-stepping through the grass like he was trying to walk on water. She could tell he must have really had a reason to avoid the police because normal people do not throw themselves from moving vehicles then run knees-to-chest through a bunch of crops at the sight of road blocks.

Fortunately, she was able to shut her door without drawing attention to herself and luckily, the cops didn’t take notice to the fact that a grown man ejected himself from her car and was now hopping through the field like a kangaroo on crack.

He had the audacity to text her later that night and ask if she could pick him up at the T-Mart because he needed a ride home. Her response was a definitive “no”, to which he responded by trying to persuade her he had been wrongfully accused of selling drugs and a warrant was actually out for his arrest. That is why he had to get out of the car. To this she said, “Oh, well in that case…fuck no.”

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