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August 21, 2013 / MissSteele

Cheers to You, Sam! You Unlucky Bastard, You!

The following post is about my friend, who I shall rename “Sam” to protect what little dignity still manages to linger in his life.

Sam is one of my absolute favorite people in the world. He’s the kind of friend you can always count on for a laugh, even in the most inappropriate of times. For instance, at a funeral when he can’t stop saying “nice goat” in Sean Connery’s voice at random times for no apparent reason.  By the end of the funeral, people were referring to him as “that special boy who likes farm animals.”

Sam is hilarious, generous and smart. He’s just the kind of friend everyone needs. Yes, Sam has many great qualities, but the best quality he possesses is his ability to laugh at himself, which is a gift few people were given. He pretty much owns the art of self-deprecation, which works out great for him because, to put it bluntly, a lot of crazy shit happens to him. You’ll see what I mean soon enough.

I’m about to share with you a compilation of stories that are 100% true. These things all happened, and all of them really happened to him. I preface this because when you get done reading this post, many of you are going to think I am a big, fat fabricator who is swindling you with entertaining lies. However, I can assure you I am not falsifying any of this. Not in the least bit. His life just really is this wonderfully bizarre sometimes.

            The time that guy just really needed some freshly-laundered underpants

One night as Sam was sleeping in his rental house he shared with another guy (who I will get to later because-holy fuck), he heard some strange noises coming from the kitchen area. As he listened closer, he realized it sounded as if someone was rummaging around in the laundry room. Seeing as how his douche of a roommate was asleep in the next room, he came to the terrifying conclusion that an unwanted guest was attempting to rob the place.

As he slowly crept out of his room and made his way down the hallway, he noticed a light beaming from the laundry room.  He begrudgingly turned the corner into the kitchen, grabbing a large frying pan that was conveniently sitting on the stove so that he could have something with which to defend himself. You know, because it always works so well in the cartoons.

As he turned the corner into the laundry room, he was shocked to find Bob Barker from The Price is Right! Just kidding, it was totally a crack-head.

Sam stood there in the doorway in complete shock. Meanwhile, the thief was blissfully unaware that Sam was towering over him with a frying pan, so he just kept on digging through the dryer like he was searching for hidden treasure. Sam stood and watched out of sheer bewilderment for a moment while meth-man was making it rain with his unmentionables.

boxersThen, out of nowhere, the guy turned around, freaked out and punched Sam in the face, all the while clasping boxer shorts in his other hand. As a reflex, Sam started swinging the frying pan and knocked meth-man upside the head. However, he didn’t fall to the ground with his head flattened like a pancake like they do in the cartoons. Instead, he started screaming like banshee straddling a whistling tea-kettle, threw his hands in the air, and starting running away with Sam’s clothes in hand.

By this time, his roommate had awoken amidst the frenzy and together, they were able to watch Mr. Blow run off into the moonlight shrieking like a barn owl in heat. But hey- at least the guy got a new wardrobe.

The time his roommate stole from him

When you are are starting out in your early twenties, money can be scarce. Things like brand-name body wash become a luxury and you start paying for pitchers of beer in nickels like some sort of hobo. You discover that keeping yourself alive is pretty pricey, and keeping a roof over your head- astronomically expensive. Therefore, many of us have had the pleasure of sharing our living spaces with roommates in order to lessen the expense of getting by without having to live in a cardboard box.

Many times, roommates can be a great thing to have. They help you to not feel so lonely, they split the bills with you, and sometimes they become your best friends. However, sometimes roommates are asshole jerks who destroy your life. The trouble is- you never really know which one of these categories a roommate will fit into until it is too late.

Such was the case for Sam. He worked with a guy who seemed normal enough, so Sam agreed to rent a house with him. Little did he know this was a mistake that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

At first, everything appeared to be going smoothly. They were getting along, the house stayed fairly neat, and they liked the same TV shows. However, things began to turn sour when his bastard of a roommate lost his job. He was struggling financially, so Sam, being the generous person that he is, offered to help him out during this time. Suddenly, this roommate who was supposed to be making his life easier was becoming a bit of a burden to him.

Then, Sam began to notice money draining from his account. When he called the bank, they rattled off a list of checks that had been written to places he didn’t recall visiting, which is when they suggested his checkbook had been stolen.

The bank was partially correct. Although Sam’s checkbook hadn’t been stolen, some of his checks had been ripped out of the back of his booklet. Naturally, Sticky-Fingers McGee tried to act like he knew nothing of the sort and went about his business. The old, “it must have been that nasty girl from the party the other night,” excuse seemed to work like a charm.

Because of this, Sam had become suspicious of his roommate. However, he could never prove he had done anything, so he was willing to let it slide for the time being. But, it wasn’t too long before Insane-In-The-Membrane started displaying some pretty bizarre behavior.

He had become needy, like a mentally-disturbed one-night stand. He would get jealous when Sam hung out with other people and was an all-out asshole to people who came over to visit, which sort of threw up a giant red flag to his other friends. It was as if he wanted to make sure he was Sam’s only friend.

Did someone say guacamole?

Did someone say guacamole?

Then, Mr. Weirdo went from a little peculiar to I’m-going-to-boil-your-rabbit-full-on-creepy in a matter of days when he threatened to hurt Sam’s new puppy one night if he “didn’t come home right away”. When Sam rushed home, pissed off and confused, the creep tried to play it off like he was just kidding. He even tried to serve him some homemade guacamole and insisted they watch The Daily Show together. I imagine their conversation went a little something like this:

Crazy Bastard: “Oh, hello Sam! Why are you home so early?”

Sam: “Where’s my dog?! Did you hurt him?!”

CB: “Oh, heaven’s no. He’s sleeping in the other room. Why?”

Sam: “Um…you threatened to slice him open like a watermelon if I didn’t come home right away.”

CB: “Oh, (laughs) that was just a joke. I was just being silly.”

Sam: (blank stares)

CB: “Well, since you are home, I made this delicious homemade guacamole and The Daily Show is coming on…why don’t we just chill out together?”

Sam: (blank stares)

Seeing as how this whole scenario started to play out like a Lifetime movie, concerned friends and family convinced him to move out ASAP before his mentally-unstable roommate really flew over the coo-coo’s nest and stabbed Sam to death in his sleep with a ballpoint pen.

Immediately, Sam started searching for a new place to live. He also stopped spending any time with the rabbit-boiler as to not exacerbate the situation. He even sent his puppy to live with his parents for a while, you know, just as a precaution.

Sensing the distance between the two of them, Fuck-Face apparently decided there was nothing left to lose and went full-blown crazy. Sam came home from work one afternoon and noticed his guitar was gone. Naturally, McCrazy tried to act like he had no idea his guitar was even missing, except this time the whole “it must have been that nasty girl at the party the other night,” excuse didn’t fly.

After making some phone calls to local pawn shops, Sam discovered Psycho had pawned his guitar for, presumably, a case of beer and a tank of gasoline. After discovering this, Sam became enraged with him and the two nearly had a physical altercation. Fortunately, Sam had good enough sense to stop while he was ahead  because I’m certain psychopaths are not known for being merciful in combat. Poor Sam probably would have been stuffed under his bed for days before anyone discovered his body.

Anyway, McCrazy grabbed a bunch of his shit and left. Sam was thrilled at the thought of losing him as a roommate. He couldn’t wait to never see him again. Therefore, he was elated as days went by and there was no sign of him. By this point, he assumed the loon was staying with family until he could get a new place away from Sam. He assumed the horror was over and he could put all of it behind him. He thought he could make a clean break and cut the deranged man out of his life forever.

Sam was wrong.

One morning when Sam was getting ready for work, there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, he was shocked to find the old man from The Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes with a giant cardboard check! Just kidding- it was totally the cops.

As it turns out, the police were pretty upset with him because he had apparently borrowed a rental car and failed to return it. So, they wanted to take him to jail for grand theft. You know, the usual. No biggie.

Sam tried his best to explain to the police that he had never rented a car before in his life, to which they responded by not giving a fuck. They even showed him a photo-copy of his driver’s license taken at the rental car place at the time of the exchange.

After some investigating, everyone came to the conclusion that- Ope! You guessed it!- McCrazy had stolen his identity. He had actually stolen Sam’s ID out of his wallet (when he was sleeping, presumably), rented a car under his name, and put it back into his wallet before Sam could notice it was gone. Shivers.

Unfortunately for Sam, his ID wasn’t the only thing to which Sticky Fingers helped himself. He had also taken all of Sam’s credit cards and maxed them out. Sam had no idea. Apparently, his roommate had been doing this for quite some time and Sam just hadn’t noticed because his train-wreck-roomie had been so stealthy about it.

It took a long time to clear Sam’s name of all the damage the psychopath had accumulated in his name, but he did it. Although, he still gets occasional calls from debt-collectors who didn’t get the memo. Oh, and he had to change his number because he kept getting “let’s hang sometime” calls from McCrazy, who apparently didn’t get the memo either.

The time his neighbor thought he was partaking in violence against women

A couple years after he was lucky enough to get away from Lifetime-Movie-Man, Sam lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment near campus. It was a pretty typical apartment for a college bachelor, in that he only had a bottle of mustard and a case of beer in his refrigerator. Also, it had been heavily used by many college bachelors/bachelorettes before him. To put it nicely- it was no castle.

He had to sign papers before he moved in saying he wouldn’t sue if he contracted mesothelioma from all the asbestos in the building. The front door had a huge gap in it that rivaled Madonna’s front teeth so you were always lucky enough to feel like you were sleeping outside, no matter what the temperature. And, you always had to wear shoes indoors because tacks would often pop up out of the carpet from where the floor was so worn it was starting to come apart. I think he actually ended up putting up a sign on his door that said, “Please do not remove shoes unless you would like to slice open your foot and bleed out all over the carpet.”

I’m just kidding. He didn’t put up a sign. But, he probably should have.

WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Although the kinks in the apartment weren’t ideal, they were nothing compared to the torment imposed by the shower. The shower only had two temperatures: ice cold and boil-flesh-off-your-bones.  And, when you turned on the shower, the pipes would make the most God-awful sound imaginable. They would screech like a rabid pig. If you had to shower, you made it quick. Or else you’d be deaf. It was that loud.

Anyway, one evening Sam turned on his shower and was trying to let the water warm up for a minute. As he was about to step into the tub, he hears a knock at the door (which, as you know, never turns out well for him). It was his uninhibited I-don’t-give-two-fucks neighbor, Steve. Sam was horrified to see him standing at his door. Anyone else would have been.

This guy literally did not care about upsetting or offending anyone. Once, some unsuspecting person parked in his spot at the apartments. Instead of just politely asking the person to move their car, he stuck his arm into their rolled-down window, laid on their horn, and screamed “MOVE YOUR SHIT! MOVE YOUR SHIT! MOVE YOUR FUCKING SHIT!”

Sam could only imagine why he had bothered to walk over to his apartment. Their conversation went as follows:

Neighbor: (Looking angry and suspicious) “Hey man, you mind if I come in for a minute?” (Doesn’t wait for a response and brushes right by Sam, who was wearing only a towel around his waist).

Sam: “Um…sure…what’s up?”

Neighbor: (Looked Sam up and down with intense distrust and began darting his eyes to observe his surroundings) “You got somebody in here with ya?”

Sam: “Um…nope. Just me.” At this point, Sam was certain his neighbor had come to kill him and was searching for possible witnesses.

Neighbor: (Began to stroll about the apartment, clearly with a purpose) “Well, I swore I heard someone screaming in here a minute ago. Are you sure you are alone?”

Sam: “Was this the screaming you heard?” Sam asked as he stepped into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

Neighbor: “Yes! Well, hot damn! I thought you was in here beating on some woman and I was coming over here to kick your ass! You best be glad I ain’t the kind of guy who shoots first and asks questions later. Woo! That was a close one. I was really ready to bust your face in, kid!”

Sam didn’t know whether to laugh or cry that day. I believe he chose to cry. Luckily, he did it in the shower so no one could hear him over the earsplitting squeals coming from his pipes.

The time he went on a blind date and had a yohoho and a bottle of rum

As you may imagine just from reading about him thus far, Sam has had a pretty unlucky dating life. This is not to say he cannot get a date. He goes on several dates. They just all end up being pretty terrible. For the most part, anyway.

Take for example the time he took a girl bowling and her wig fell off as she bent over to roll the ball. He was so blindsided by the fact she had been wearing a wig the whole time that he didn’t know what to do or say. And, she was so mortified she spent the rest of the night crying in the bathroom.

There’s also the time he went on a blind date with a young woman who had a severe speech impediment, so much so that it was uncomfortable to carry on a conversation with her.

Oh! And there’s the time he went on a date with a girl who wouldn’t stop talking about how “hot” and “doable” the servers were at the sushi restaurant.

And, there was a time he went on a first date with a girl who said, “Do you want to hear something funny? CATS LICK THEIR POOP SHOOTS THEN LICK YOUR FACE!!!!” She practically screamed it throughout the restaurant and began laughing maniacally at her own joke like a mad woman as Sam stared at her in silence. It wasn’t even a joke. It was more or less a gross fact about cats. And she was terrifying the patrons of the restaurant.

Of all the disappointing dates he has endured, the following is my absolute favorite, only because it is so surreal. But, he met her online. So, that in itself is a gamble.

He took her up on her offer to meet for coffee one evening. Immediately upon entering the coffee shop, he noticed something wasn’t quite right. Of course, she didn’t look exactly like her picture. It could have been the extra weight. It could have been that her hair was a different color. Or it could have been the massive eye patch she was wearing.

eye outShe cheerfully waived him over to the table and began normal small talk with him, which was normal dating etiquette. However, Sam found it difficult to pay attention to her because the entire time he was supposed to be listening, he just kept wondering what was behind the eye patch. Did she have a glass eye? Did she just have a scratched cornea? Or did she have a gaping hole where her eye used to be? He had no way of knowing and it was driving him crazy.

He kept hoping she would volunteer some sort of hint as to what happened to her eye. Did she just have surgery? Was she horribly disfigured on that side of her face? Did she ask for a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas and shoot her eye out? The suspense was killing him.

Side note: I’m not judging, but if I went on a date with a guy for the first time and I was wearing a completely noticeable eye patch, I would at least preface the reason before we began our date so that he wouldn’t be freaked out. Maybe a simple, “Please don’t be freaked out by the eye patch. I have a scratched cornea, but I don’t normally look like this,” would have sufficed. I mean, if I went on a date with a guy and he just failed to expand on why he was wearing one, I would automatically assume he was a natural-born Cyclopes and was so used to wearing one he just forgot it was even on his face. But, that’s just me I guess.

Towards the end of their coffee date, she excused herself to go to the restroom. It was then he noticed something else about her. She was different. She had something special about herself. She had a peg leg. Yes, girlfriend had a peg leg. Granted, not a wooden peg leg. He said it looked like the bottom of a cane. But still, a peg leg nonetheless.

Being the awkward person that he is, Sam didn’t know how to react. Was she messing with him? Was this some sort of cruel joke she played on blind dates? Or was she actually a pirate? Should he flee while she was still in the bathroom? Or should he just pretend like he didn’t notice?

She returned to the table before he could decide, and as she settled back into her chair, he blurted out, “What happened to your eye?!”

“Oh, this?” she asked as she pointed nonchalantly to her eye patch. “Well, my dad was mowing the lawn the other day and a rock flew into my eye. I just have to wear this patch for a few days, then I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, that’s good…and the peg-leg?” the words left his lips before he could even realize what he just said.

Her eyebrows lowered and she shot him the “you’re a dick” look. “I was in a pretty bad accident a couple years ago. I have to wear this until I get my prosthetic,” she replied angrily.

Without having anything else to say, Sam replied, “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh,” she said in the bitchiest way possible. (Deserved, I’m sure).

After that, they just stared blankly at one another because Sam had pretty much offended her beyond words. So, he wished her a great night and left quickly.

Granted, it wasn’t the most graceful exit he could have mustered, but he was just so bewildered by the entire situation he threw etiquette out the window. He said he felt badly for how he treated her that night, but he is still confused about one thing: Why couldn’t she have rescheduled for a time when she wasn’t looking like Long John Silver?

 The time he got arrested because a redhead with tattoos had a lead foot

When most people get pulled over for a routine traffic stop, they get a warning. Or even a ticket.

Sam gets arrested.

Getting arrested at a traffic stop can be typical for someone who enjoys breaking the law. You know, someone like a drug smuggler, a drunk driver or some other self-proclaimed rebel without a cause. But for someone like Sam, who is a law-abiding citizen, this is what you would call unexpected.

Anyway, Sam was passing through town one afternoon when he saw the dreaded flashing lights in his rear-view mirror. Obviously, he was a little bummed out because no one really enjoys getting pulled over. No one wants to pay a fine, and no one wants to be that driver on the side of the road getting a ticket. Nonetheless, Sam was nothing but cordial to the officer who pulled him over for speeding.

That’s why he was so confused when the officer came back to his window after scanning his license and was suddenly much more hostile with him. He went from “Officer Friendly” to “Officer I’m-a-fuck-ya-up” in a matter of minutes. The officer demanded he get out of the car and place his hands behind his head. Before he could even ask what the hell was happening, he was being read his rights and placed in the back of the squad car.

Come to find out, Sam sold his old Mustang to some chick who decided it would be great fun to break every traffic law known to man. She had racked up a lengthy list of traffic violations that would make Vin Diesel jealous. And she did it all under Sam’s title.

When he sold her the car, Sam took her word that she would immediately head over to the courthouse and get the title transferred into her name. This was, in hindsight, a horrible mistake. Sam shouldn’t have trusted that girl. She had the words “yolo” tattooed on her arm for Christ’s sake. That alone was proof she doesn’t believe in taking precautions of any sort. Now, if she had the phrase “I have a deep respect for the rules of society and I am a responsible person,” that would have been a different story.

Either way, the cops let him go after this was brought to their attention, so he was a free man. However, the fact remains that Sam got arrested because someone else broke the law. Story of Sam’s life.

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2 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. snoogiefisk / Aug 21 2013 1:51 pm

    Sam needs a Guardian Angel…..or ten….

  2. S. Steele / Aug 21 2013 2:28 pm

    I agree! “Don’t bother me, I’m on break,” is probably his Guardian Angel’s favorite phrase. lol

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