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August 28, 2013 / MissSteele

Hey Babe, I Think There is an Angry Mob Outside

Have you ever tried to sell a Kindle to someone and ended up with a pitchfork-armed mob on your front lawn? No? So that really was just me, huh? I thought so.

Okay, so it wasn’t quite that dramatic. There were no actual pitchforks involved. I think we managed to stave the masses off before it spiraled to that point. But, we did go through a bit of an ordeal when selling our gently-used Amazon Kindle. Well, we basically got harassed and threatened by strangers. But, that’s all part of the fun I suppose.

I need this or I will wilt away like a delicate flower!

I need dis.

It all started when my husband decided he really needed a tablet. He would die unhappy without one. His soul would literally wither away without it. Needless to say, he got the stupid thing. But, I’m glad he did because I LOVE IT! I may love it as much as I love Toaster Strudels and that’s saying a lot because I fucking love Toaster Strudels.

Either way, I began to neglect my Kindle. I had a new toy to play with and I had tossed my Kindle aside like it was an old Malibu Barbie. Deep down, I still loved my Kindle, but I just wasn’t in love with it anymore. I knew it was time to let it go and move on. It deserved to be with someone who would treat it right and give it the love and attention it needed. I knew I couldn’t be that person anymore. It was a tough break-up, but it had to go.

So, we decided to put it on a Facebook page where local people can peddle their unwanted goods in hopes that someone will grab it up. We had several friends who had successfully sold items on this particular site and hadn’t had a problem, so we figured there would be no issue.

Ignorant, ignorant fools we were.

Before I go any further, let me just reiterate that this Facebook page was littered with atrocious grammar and nasty fucks. People would sell anything on there if they thought someone would buy it. For example, some woman was selling used bras on there once, and people were actually inquiring about them! 

Make no mistake about it, friends. This was the place dreams went to die. When a girlfriend has to sell her bras to strangers to make some money, you know her life is at a low point. On this Facebook page, there were wedding dresses with captions that read, “Getting a divorce, need to get rid of this.” There were boats for sale that said, “I lost my job and I need to sell this ASAP.” There were Disney collectibles it took years to accumulate for sale because the seller “couldn’t afford her hospital bills anymore.” And those were the honest ones.

The best ones were the embellished descriptions, like “beautiful couch in great condition” when it should have said, “dirty couch used for sex, semen stains not that noticeable.”

So yeah, great place to sell a Kindle (note the sarcasm).

Within a day or two, we received some responses from people who were interested in buying it. It was honestly a great deal for a pristine Kindle with a charger and two cases. However, people had some difficulty understanding what exactly a Kindle was.

“Wat dus it do?” one classy lady inquired.

“Can it get on Facebook and do stuff?” another asked. Do what? Can it dance for you and make chicken enchiladas? 

“Is it a Kindle Fire?” asked another.

No. No it is not a Kindle Fire. If it was a Kindle Fire, I would have said it was Kindle Fire. It is an E-Reader. You can read books on it. You cannot surf the web or troll about Facebook on it. It is for reading. I could not stress that enough.

Anyway, one lucky lady nabbed it up first and met me in the mall parking lot to make the exchange. I felt like I should have been wearing a trench coat and a fedora when I pulled up next to her. I should have known better, and truth be told I did. I should have went with my gut instinct and passed up her offer. Anyone who spells “what” like “wat” is not a trustworthy person.

Hey there.

Hey there.

When I met her, I discovered that she was apparently 11-months pregnant, had the flaming red hair of the Devil, and had more eyeliner caked on that Alice Cooper. She was wearing a Playboy t-shirt and sweatpants that said “sweet” on her rear. I guess I should have just been happy she wasn’t wearing a trucker hat that read “slut” on it. Which, by the way, I have seen a 15-year-old girl wearing one in public before. I didn’t know whether to slap her or cry for her.

Anyway,  I tried to make small talk with Little-Orphan-Annie-All-Knocked-Up, but she didn’t seem interested in chatting with me. She practically snatched the Kindle from my hands as she eagerly handed me the cash. I told her, “If it doesn’t work for any reason, please let me know and I will give you your money back.”

From our brief conversation, I began to fear she was about as sharp as a bag of hair. So, I  tried explaining a couple of things to her about the Kindle and she quickly cut me off with a hasty “okay” and darted back to her husband in the pick-up truck.

I left the parking lot with an immense feeling of regret. I remember thinking I did not make a good choice at that moment. I just knew it wasn’t the last time I would hear from her.

I was right. Not even thirty minutes later I receive this text message from her: “Is this Kindle real or fake?”

I was certainly confused as to what in the Hell she meant by a “fake” Kindle. Did I handcraft the Kindle from cardboard? Did I staple some firewood to a leather case and call it a Kindle like some sort of diabolical mastermind? No. So I had to ask, “What do you mean?”

What follows is the rest of our conversation:

Pregnant Chucky Doll: “It is on a display screen and it won’t go away.”

Me: “Okay, have you tried resetting it?”

PCD: Completely ignores my question and says, “It won’t do anything.”

Me: “What are you trying to do? Like I explained earlier, it is not like an Ipad. It is not a touch-screen. It is just an E-Reader. It is used to read books. There are some great tutorials on YouTube that will show you how to use it if you need some help getting used to it.”

PCD: “You can keep the money, but we know this Kindle isn’t real and this was a scam.”

Me: “Um, no. I will gladly refund your money and sell it to someone who can actually use it. I’m sorry you aren’t satisfied, but I have no problem buying it back. Please do not call it a scam just because you won’t take the time to learn how to use it.”

Carrot Top had no response for the rest of the day. I even sent her another message with some more helpful tips and told her I wouldn’t mind meeting her again to give her a refund, but she still never sent me anything back. I took that to mean she figured out how to use it and let it go.

I was wrong.

Much, much later that night, Hubby just happened to be browsing through the “Peddle your shit, you nasty fucks” Facebook page and came upon a lengthy warning posted by none other than Pregnant Circus Clown. It read as follows:

“Just a warning to all of u on here, b careful who u buy from and wat u buy. Some ppl will rip u off w/o a second thought. Happened to me today.”

Upon reading this, my first thought was of her ghastly spelling.  My second thought was-why did I think I could get away with doing something normal? I sold something worthy and completely harmless to an ignorant cow, and I was apparently going to be dragged into the pits of Hell for it. Now, this wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been for the 40-something comments that had already formed underneath this “warning”, many of which were people crying out for blood. Delicious blood.

People, none of which had ever met me or Orphan Annie, recoiled in disgust and demanded to know what harm the crafty bandits had caused her.  She replied something about a “fake Kindle” and the universe imploded upon itself.  Naturally, people begged her to reveal the names of these “scammers” so they would be banned from the page and no one would ever buy from them again, as to not fall prey to these apparent criminal masterminds.  She went into further detail by saying she “had someone look at it” and they confirmed it was a “display model”.

First of all, if it was a “display model” it was news to me. Amazon shipped it to me in a sealed package with the original plastic on the screen and they charged me full price for it. I think I would have noticed if I had been reading the same display screen for the past few months instead of Pride and Prejudice. Plus, I would like to know who this “someone” was who looked at the Kindle. Was he a tech-guru? Or was he Uncle Bubba? That could have made a difference.

Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quicklyPeople were going ape-shit at this point, urging her to contact the police because “she can’t let these criminals get away with this.” People were copying and pasting information on how to take us to small claims court and press charges. They let it be known that we needed to be “taught a lesson” and “punished.” One patron even said, “They will get what they deserve soon enough.” Call me crazy, but that sounded malicious. I was waiting for someone  to post a picture of our house and say something like, “Here is where they take slumber! Let’s stab them whilst they sleep!”

To be fair, a couple of the comments were from sane people who explained it is always a risk when buying used electronics and they should always be tested before being purchased. These people were then eaten by the masses and stabbed with pitchforks for supporting criminal mischief.

Even though this was the most ridiculous thing I had probably ever seen in my entire existence, I had to say something before people started lighting crosses on our front lawn. Whenever someone mentions the police, that usually means something has gone awry. So, I came forward to the masses and explained, in the most professional and polite manner possible, that we had offered to refund her money three different times that day and she declined. I explained that I had trouble understanding why she thought it best to make a scene on a social media site rather than accepting a simple refund and being done with it. Apparently, that was the wrong question to ask.

Image courtesy of lindaavey.com

Grab the torches! I heard someone say, “Scam!”  

People said that “a refund wasn’t the point” and that I should “go to jail for falsified items” (their words, not mine). At that moment, I got a tiny taste of “mob mentality” and it was bitter. One woman, who apparently had no life because she wasn’t even involved in the matter, was persistent in her quest to lock me up like the hardened convict I was. She just kept saying that her husband was a cop and he said Pregnant Chucky Doll could press charges against me if she wanted to.

By this point, I had come to the realization that these people were unreasonable. And, like my grandma always says, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. I had offered numerous times to buy the Kindle back, and each time I was shut down with fury. If they would not be silenced with logic, I had nothing left to say but: “Bring it on.”

This ignited a firestorm of comments from people out of the woodwork. I wasn’t worried, though. I’m not a lawyer, but I don’t believe a $65.00 Kindle would have been worth anyone’s time in small claims court, especially since I had already offered to return the money.  And no charges could be pressed because no crime was committed. The Kindle worked, she just didn’t understand how to operate it. The only crime was that she was so intellectually challenged, she couldn’t operate a Kindle that my 4-year-old cousin could use with her eyes closed.

Of course, I was pissed that my name was being dragged through the mud like a politician with a sex addiction. To hear it told by these people, my husband and I were a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde trolling through the pits of Peddlers-R-Us trying to find victims to rob blind and fool with mystical trickery.

It was honestly insane how quickly the situation got out of hand. The innocent transaction of exchanging a Kindle for $65.00 had somehow turned into a demand for a public hanging. And it wasn’t even a Kindle Fire. I am being truthful when I say it is incredibly scary how many strangers are willing to gang up on you when they don’t know the facts. These people seriously wanted to destroy my very being over an incident they knew nothing about. But, you know, it’s me…so I guess that makes sense.

It spiraled out of control so quickly that the page administrator had to delete the post and any post related to that topic. He demanded that Wench-With-Child and I meet back up to return the money and the Kindle, as it was only fair. I agreed, but I was worried I would lose all self-control when I saw her. I couldn’t hit a pregnant woman, I could never do that. But, I was afraid my acid-tongue would get the best of me and I would spout off at her like a broken fire-hydrant.  I would probably have said something like, “I hope your baby doesn’t inherit your busted face, you sausage wallet.” And then God only knows what would have transpired from there.

Let's make sure someone eggs her car before this is all over!

Let’s make sure someone eggs her car before this is all over!  

I’m so much classier than that, I really didn’t want to see myself go there. I didn’t want to stoop that low, but I didn’t think I would be able to muster the self-control to withhold the trashiness. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about it because her husband came in her place.

It was just crazy to me that she only agreed to accept the refund AFTER she stirred up a riot on Facebook. It was as if she was like, “Okay,  I want my money back, but I also want to make sure someone sets your mailbox on fire and paints a dick on your garage door as well!” Which would have made more sense if we hadn’t offered to refund her numerous times before she even took to rallying the mobs. She may as well have just mounted a horse in war paint and yelled out, “She’s going to give us what we want, but I just really want to fuck someone’s life up for the fun of it! Let’s go!”

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4 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. snoogiefisk / Aug 28 2013 11:04 pm

    This could only happened to you!

  2. S. Steele / Aug 29 2013 1:34 am

    I know it! I should have known better!

  3. Amanda / Aug 30 2013 4:54 pm

    People are bat shit fucking crazy, aren’t they? And scary. Verrrrry scary. So, did you meet back up with her? I would have turned it on and showed her how it works then hit her in the face with it. Pride + Prejudice = broken nose, right?

    • Steele / Aug 30 2013 6:01 pm

      Her husband actually came in her place, so I didn’t have to see her again. It was definitely crazy how fast it spiraled out of control! Scary indeed.

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