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August 30, 2013 / MissSteele

What a Classy Lumberjack

Today, my lovely friend Tara came bursting into my office with her phone clutched in her hand and a baffled look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, sensing she was about to go on a verbal rampage judging from the wild look in her eye.

“Look at this!” she shouted as she waved the phone in my face.

When I grabbed the phone, my eyes beheld a sweet kitten playing with a ball of yarn. Just kidding. It was a penis. It’s always a penis.

“Did you finally grow one?” I replied, still staring at the phone with a dazed expression. “Is that what happens when you feed your vagina after midnight?”

“That’s not even funny!” she screamed. “It’s this guy on my dating site. It’s one of his profile pictures!”

Is it supposed to look like that?

Is it supposed to look like that?

Poor Tara. These online dating woes were grating on her. She was only trying to meet a nice guy amongst a sea of creeps who kept sending her selfies of their wangs.

“Why do these guys keep doing this?!” she shrieked. “What do they think I’m going to do when I see that? Swoon? Do they think I will become so aroused I will faint at the sight of it?!”

She had a good point. These guys must really think a lot of themselves to assume they can get a date just by snapping a picture of their knob. It must work on some women because they keep doing it. Those women should probably get some higher standards than whether or not a dude can find the perfect angle in his bathroom mirror while holding his Johnson. I can picture one of these women responding back to these pictures with something like, “I was going to ask about your political views and life goals, but now that you’ve whipped your willy out at me, I couldn’t care less about any of that stuff. You seem like a great guy. I bet you are trustworthy and sensitive. Date me, please.”

As some of you know, I have previously expressed my concern for the seemingly dying art of conversation when it comes to online dating. This certainly does not apply to all people who use dating sites, mostly just the ones who send pictures of their wiener to my friends instead of dinner invitations. Or the ones who say disgusting things like, “Let me get at that chili hole,” instead of “Let me take you to a movie.”

This guy, however, had taken it a step above all the rest. He didn’t just send her a picture of his boink swatter in a private message- he actually made it his profile picture. He was so proud of it, he wanted to make sure it was the first impression he left on everyone who came across his page.  Naturally, he put a picture of his face right next to it so that strangers would not be confused as to whose penis it was.

After seeing his junk, I felt the need to examine the rest of his profile out of sheer, morbid curiosity. He didn’t seem like a guy who held anything back, so I thought it would be fun to see what other foolishness he put on his page to try and woo women.

All I had to do was send her a picture of my penis!

All I had to do was send her a picture of my penis!

He stated his occupation was a “lumberjack” and his interests were “lookn for the sweetie of my life.” Well, he was certainly on the right track. There’s nothing a sweet woman loves more than a nasty picture of a stranger’s penis.

Under education, he said he had a “graduate degree.” I found this hard to believe, not because he was a lumberjack, but because he couldn’t form proper sentences and wrote in broken fragments. For example, this was his “about me” paragraph: “I’m good w oh n i love to cuddle n watch movies love football n i like to hangout with friends. n have one or two going out to eat n just chill n grill some wings up.”

So, he either had poor grammar or he had giant, uncontrollable sausage fingers that made it impossible to type without error. Maybe he actually typed that with his penis. Maybe that’s why he was so proud of it. Maybe it could do tricks. Either way, I barely understood anything he was trying to say. He may as well have been speaking Russian.

My favorite part, however, was his description of an ideal first date. It was so romantic, it made me tear up with joy. It read, “Maybe we go out for some fine dine or drinks but stay at ur limit plz lol.”

When I read that, I knew he was a super classy guy. He may as well have just said, “If you have to eat, whatever. I guess I can dig into my change jar and take you to McDonald’s or something. Then, we’ll go have sex in my car.”

Just when I was beginning to think this fellow was an unsavory character, I saw he was a self-proclaimed “Christian.” For me, that changed everything. I remember when Jesus said, “Go forth my son and show your penis.” I mean- he did have a cross tattooed on his hand. If that isn’t the sign of an upstanding man of religion, what is?

I know it may seem like I am being a bit harsh on the lumberjack with wood (you see what I did there?). And, maybe I am. But, any guy who puts himself out there like that is fair game in my book. You can’t make a dating profile like that and expect to be taken seriously. This guy made his pork sword his profile picture, then had the audacity to demand a woman not “go over her limit” on their date. Basically, he doesn’t abide by boundaries of any sort, but his “date” should definitely adhere to the boundaries set by him. What a gent. Who says chivalry is dead?

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4 Comments

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  1. Casey Vidgen / Aug 30 2013 10:29 pm

    I stopped using okc a few weeks ago after one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

    • Steele / Aug 31 2013 3:39 am

      Thanks for the tip! I’ll have to pass that info along to my friends. I’ve never actually tried online dating, and my husband would probably be mad if I started now lol. My friends always have horrific stories from it! But, like you said, some sites are better than others!

  2. Amanda / Sep 3 2013 2:47 pm

    That. is. HILARIOUS! And pork sword? That’s new to me, and I’m totally stealing it (with full credit going back to you of course)… I always hear horror stories about those kind of sites too. That’s why I totally avoided them when I snagged my husband. I saw his little picture on Yahoo Personals and didn’t want to pay for the membership (or go through the hassle of making a profile).. so I went stalking on Myspace, found him and sent him what I thought was the most creepy message ever. He took the bait, obviously. 4 years later, he put a ring on it. To hell with online dating.

    • Steele / Sep 3 2013 4:19 pm

      Haha, I wish I could take credit for that word. It’s a slang word I heard somewhere. It’s my favorite word for that, next to bologna wand. I know some people who have had great luck with online dating, but I just really think it depends on the site. I guess some of my friends just attract the camera-happy crew!

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