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September 6, 2013 / MissSteele

I’m Sorry that I Pooped…on Your Lawn

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I took a poop in some poor soul’s yard. I promise it is not as sinister as it sounds, I honestly couldn’t help it. I just really had to go the bathroom in the worst way and it was either pull over and do the deed in someone’s yard, or have explosive diarrhea all over the car in front of my husband and brother.

It was an evening around Christmas time, and we were on our way home from eating at a steak house. We decided to take a different route back to the house so we could see some of the ridiculously expensive Christmas light displays in the overpriced neighborhoods. These neighborhoods were the best when cruising for festivity displays because they were always in competition with one another. They weren’t satisfied with one string of lights upon the gutters. Oh no, they had to have an exact replica of the North Pole on their property (elves included).

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We had to take out a second mortgage for this, but think of how jealous the neighbors will be!

We had passed by several mechanical Santas and glitzy nativity scenes when I started to get a rumble in my tummy. I knew my husband could tell I was uncomfortable because I kept squirming and gripping the door handle like a meth-head in the back of a cop car.

My brother was of course oblivious and shouted, “Something stinks in here!” as he waived his hand in front of his face and made a gagging sound.

My husband turned to me with a worrisome look. I’m sure he was thinking I was about to burst all over the car like a Mexican piñata and they would have to witness the horror together.

“I have gas, OKAY!” I reared my head back and yelled. I then began bouncing up and down in my seat like one of those cartoon train conductors.

My husband, bless his heart, had his foot glued to the pedal. I’m fairly certain we were going so fast that flames were shooting out the back of the car and my face was stuck to the window. I’m sure we looked ridiculous to everyone who thought we were trying to drag-race a 2001 Mitsubishi Galant.

As we passed through one of the most upscale neighborhoods in the area, I began to cry out, “I can’t! I can’t wait! You are going to have to pull over!”

I SAID PULL OVER!

I SAID PULL OVER!

My hubby gave me a look of dismay and before he could say one word of protest, I morphed into a she-beast before everyone and screamed in a deep, guttural voice that resembled Satan and shouted, “I SAID PULL OVER!”

So my husband, who was left with no choice, came to a full stop in front of one of the most beautiful houses in one of the most expensive neighborhoods as I hurriedly shot out of the car like I was catapulted into their yard. I then proceeded to take a poop on their perfectly manicured lawn. Perhaps I should also mention they were having a Christmas party at the time because there were several cars in the driveway and I could clearly see people happily mingling inside, completely unaware there was a crazy person shitting on their lawn.

I could just imagine what they would do if they saw me. They would be in the middle of singing a jolly rendition of Silent Night as a group on the piano, cradling their eggnog and wearing their reindeer antlers, and someone would scream, “Oh my God, someone is protesting Christmas by pooping on your lawn! I do declare, someone must call the police! What a Grinch!”

Silent night...holy shit! What is that person doing?

Silent night, holy SHIT! What is that person doing on your mulch?

I was in such a state of disbelief that this incredibly humiliating event was actually happening that I didn’t know what to do. No one really prepares you for an incident such as that. No one teaches you how to react when you decide to take a shidoobee on a ritzy person’s property.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME!” I screamed through the tears as I squatted in the grass like Cocker Spaniel. Everyone in the car just stared at their shoes as I fertilized the rose bushes and prayed that no one would wander outside and see the super classy lady using the bathroom in the great wide open.

I eventually climbed back into the car and we drove away in silence, leaving the strangers a lovely gift that I’m sure frightened their gardener to his very core.

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6 Comments

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  1. snoogiefisk / Sep 6 2013 6:46 pm

    OH MY GAWD! I soo wanna hang out with you! Can I just follow you around with a camera waiting for the absurd to happen? Cause we both know it is gonna happen…….

    • MissSteele / Sep 6 2013 7:00 pm

      Well come on, then! It may be a nice change of pace to have some proof of the absurdity. Often times, things happen to me while I am alone and I have to look around and ask, “Did anyone else see that? Please tell me someone else saw that.”

  2. snoogiefisk / Sep 6 2013 7:08 pm

    Reblogged this on mostlytrueramblings and commented:
    Y’all check out my virtual bestie. Pull up a chair and grab some popcorn. There’s no telling what will happen next……

    • MissSteele / Sep 9 2013 2:33 pm

      You are too kind. I’ve got plenty of embarrassing stories to go around.

  3. mewhoami / Sep 6 2013 11:06 pm

    I am tears, laughing so hard! Came here per snoogiefisk’s recommendation and I’m sure glad I did. I cannot imagine the humiliation, but when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.

    • MissSteele / Sep 9 2013 2:29 pm

      I’m glad you liked it! I debated on whether or not to actually put this story on here since it is quite embarrassing, But, I thought it might provide a source of amusement to someone. 🙂

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