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September 19, 2013 / MissSteele

Wait…Isn’t This a Film Plot?

A guy goes on a romantic vacation with his wife to an exotic location, where she immediately begins to have a fling with a scuba instructor and actually ends up leaving her husband for him.

Wait- isn’t that a movie? I think it’s a movie. It is movie!

Along Came Polly. The movie I was thinking of is Along Came Polly. 

Nothing sexier than a dude with long hair and a banana hammock to this chick.

Nothing sexier than a dude with long hair and a banana hammock.

While this is most definitely the plot of a mediocre Ben Stiller flick, it is also something that happened in real life…to my friend, Brad. Well, sort of. There were a few key differences. He wasn’t married to Skankzilla yet, but he did take her to Cancun for a romantic getaway so he could propose to her. And, the guy wasn’t a scuba instructor, he was a resort worker.  And unfortunately, Jennifer Aniston wasn’t there.

Let me backtrack for a moment. Bradley is one of my closest friends and has been since we were 12 years old. We used to carpool together on the way to junior high, and a friend that is willing to be seen with you in public when puberty has turned you into an unsightly blob of a human is a keeper in my book. He was willing to associate with me when my acne was at its worst, I had a mouth full of metal, and I had BAD hair. Oh, the hair horror! The poodle curls, the crispy bangs, the multi-colored barrettes! Shivers…those were my “caterpillar to butterfly” years. Actually, I still don’t really think I’m a butterfly. Maybe I’m a moth. I could be a moth.

Anyway, the point is- Bradley has been a great friend to me now for nearly 14 years, and we have seen each other through some rough times. And some rough people, like the cheating hoochie, for example.  Based on all of the lovely things I’m going to say about her for the duration of this post, you will be shocked to know that I never really liked her. Right before they left for Cancun, she went on and on about her newly installed fake boobies and how she bought a bunch of new clothes to show them off. What a classy gal. I always thought she was a bad choice for him, to say the least.

But, Bradley is one of my dearest friends, so I was supportive of his decision when he showed me the ring and told me of his plans for Cancun. He even asked me to be his “best woman.” This horrified my friend, Brittany, who was concerned people would think I was a lesbian if I had to wear a tuxedo. “Make sure you tell people you aren’t a lesbian!” she said. “Wear a sandwich board down the aisle if you have to!”

It’s not that she was homophobic or disliked lesbians, she was just concerned of the impact it would have on potential suitors for me at the time. I was single and she was imagining me in a room full of single men who wouldn’t ask me out because they assumed I was a lesbian. I guess she thought it would hurt my chances of snagging a man, but I assured her of two things: number one being that men don’t care if a woman is a lesbian, they will still hit on her (as witnessed by my lesbian friends), and number two being that nothing could really hurt my chances with men more than my inability to talk to them in a socially acceptable manner. So, I wasn’t really worried about it.

But the wedding never happened, so I didn’t end up having to rent that “I am not a lesbian” sandwich board. As fun as that would have been, that was the least of anyone’s problems by that point.

Poor Bradley, he had it all planned out perfectly. He was going to take her down to the Cancun beach early in the morning to look for seashells, where he would let her walk a little ahead of him. Then, he would say, “I think I found a good one” and she would turn around, only to see him down on one knee with a ring. Doesn’t that just melt your cold heart?

Yes, he had planned the perfect proposal. It’s too bad she was less focused on getting engaged and more focused on humping the cabana boy. It was certainly not the passionate vacay he had in mind, but it was a blessing in disguise. You can’t really marry a girl like that and expect it to go well. He obviously couldn’t take the hussy anywhere. If they took their future children to Disneyland, the whole family would be in line for Space Mountain while she banged the dude in full Aladdin garb behind the concession stand.

Magic carpet indeed.

Magic carpet ride indeed.

Naturally, I was upset for him when he revealed what had really happened on their trip because he certainly had not foreseen that coming. I wanted to slap her in the face with a loaf of french bread, but I refrained.

He told me it started when they ran into one of the resort workers at a dance club early into their trip, and super tramp started grinding with him on the dance floor. When Bradley put up a bit of a protest to her twerking all over Senor Ass-Grabber, she essentially told him to lighten up and get over it. She then proceeded to invite her new friend up to their room.

I think the words “drunken threesome” were thrown around quite a bit by that point, which is what it ended up being only if a threesome defines two people boinking each other while the third person cries in the hallway. In spite of how visibly upset Brad was, Ms. New Boobies and Mr. Mexican Sausage showed no interest in ceasing to pork one another, so Brad yelled at him to get hell out of their room.

As it turns out, that didn’t work so well either because she exited the room right along with him so they could continue their hump session in the pool. You know, so they wouldn’t be bothered by her pesky fiance. Granted, all parties were intoxicated and lacking good judgment at this point, but I don’t really think that excuses sleeping with the pool boy while your fiance can clearly see you through the window.

Needless to say, it only went downhill from there. She gave the ring back to Brad, and continued to see her Latin lover until it was time to leave Cancun. It was an awkward plane ride home, to say the least. But, it only got worse.

Upon her arrival back in the States, Tequila Tits decided she was suddenly unsatisfied with her life in America and wanted to move to Mexico to be with her newly-found love. Even though Brad knew it was over between them, and he kind of thought she was the Devil, he still cared for her and didn’t want her to get killed by a Mexican drug lord. So, he begged her not to go and told her, “You are going to wind up naked in a room full of cocaine if you go back there!”

She responded by telling him that cabana boy had already secured a job for her working with him at the hotel and she was going to move in with him. She didn’t care about the danger, she loved his “carefree lifestyle.” So, he had no choice but to let her go.

Less than a year later, she came back…pregnant. And she has lost all contact with cabana boy. Apparently, his carefree lifestyle was a little too carefree for a child.

After this ordeal, Brad didn’t meet Jennifer Aniston and her ferret on a leash, but he did move on with his life. At the time, her betrayal was painful. Now, he’s glad it happened because it saved both of them from a mismatched, unhappy marriage. And, it saved me from having to rent that sandwich board.

SANDWICH

But, it’s perfectly okay if you are! By all means, proceed.

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9 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Aunt Shey / Sep 20 2013 1:06 am

    I love Brad!!

  2. Sean Smithson / Sep 20 2013 9:06 am

    Wow, she sounds truly awful… But as you say, at least you dodged the sandwich board!

    • MissSteele / Sep 20 2013 1:23 pm

      She was! But, it is really too bad about the sandwich board. I thought maybe I could sell advertising on it and make some extra money. The front would say “I am not a lesbian,” but the back would say “Eat at Quizno’s” or something.

      • Sean Smithson / Sep 20 2013 1:26 pm

        Actually you’re right. I’d never thought about the advertising potential…

        Big fan of your work by the way by the way!

      • MissSteele / Sep 20 2013 1:39 pm

        Wow, thanks! I’ve been reading up on you as well, you and your sexcapades. Funny stuff and “taboo” apparently. 😉

      • Sean Smithson / Sep 20 2013 1:42 pm

        So some people say, yes… But I like to think it’s all ‘tasteful’ stuff. Glad you approve!

  3. snoogiefisk / Sep 20 2013 1:46 pm

    Tequila Tits – Bahahhhahhhahhaaaaahaaaaa

    • MissSteele / Sep 20 2013 1:54 pm

      Yeah, that was my “secret” name for her lol

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