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December 9, 2013 / MissSteele

There’s More Embarrassment Where That Came From

Don’t you just love it when you humiliate yourself beyond repair? I know I do.

I love it so much, that I do it often. And I do it well. I do it so well, that I never fully recover from each incident. In turn, my entire life is stitched together with socially unacceptable actions and laced with regretful memories of moments past.

It’s not so bad, really. I’ve trained my brain to repress the embarrassing moments so that I can try to pretend like I am a normal person who isn’t at constant risk for accidentally exposing herself in a crowded room or saying something extremely inappropriate to your little brother’s Boy Scout Leader because she thought he was someone else.

Yes, I try to shove all of my excruciatingly awkward memories into the very back of my mind. Way back. Way, way back. Then, I bury them. But, sometimes one of those suckers pops right out and I am forced to relive something one should never have to remember. I see something that is a trigger for my memory and next thing you know, I am sitting at my desk thirty minutes past closing time with a glazed look on my face because I am re-imagining the time I knocked over an entire display case of newly-released CDs at the Best Buy because I was trying to avoid an ex-boyfriend and it caused a huge scene. Not only was everyone in the entire store eyeballing me like I had just lit myself on fire, but the one person I was trying to avoid was now fully aware of my presence, and watched as I tried to stack copies of Justin Beiber back onto the shelf while the disgruntled employees mumbled at me. Not only was my original plan to go unnoticed thwarted by my clumsiness, but I was left befuddled by the fact that people still apparently buy CDs. Who knew?

I suppose I’m being a bit dramatic. My memories could be worse. I could have actual traumatic memories instead of just humiliating ones. Most of them are pretty funny now. And, what better cathartic experience could I have than to share some of the highlights with you guys? I have compiled a list of a few uncomfortable memories to explore with you. Some of them are recent, some of them are not. But, rest assured they are all mortifying in their own special way.

So, without further ado…here we go:

1. The other day, my boss asked me if I would like a new iPhone case. My response was, “Mine is bald right now.” WHAT? MINE IS BALD RIGHT NOW? Obviously, I was talking about my phone having no case right now. But, WHY THE FUCK DID I RESPOND WITH THAT MONSTROSITY OF A PHRASE? I could have said, “Sure, I need one.” I could have said, “Yes, I would love one.” But, no. I just had to say, “Mine is bald right now.” He just sort of looked at me for a moment, then turned and walked away. He probably went into his office to laugh at me in private as to spare my feelings. Or maybe he thought I was over-sharing and didn’t know what else to say. Either way, I said that. To my boss.

2. In high school, I was madly in love with a guy who had no clue I existed. Luckily for me, I was joined with him on a team in gym class where one person from each five teams had to outrun the other team’s members, then tag the next person on your team to run. Or some shit like that. Anyway, I was ecstatic because this meant I was going to get to touch his hand. But, the only way that would happen is if I outran everyone else on the floor. So, I did. I ran so hard that my legs began to feel shaky, but I was in the homestretch. He was holding his hand out for me a mere yard away and all I had to do was reach for it. However, life is a real bitch and decided it would be funnier if I fell instead. So, in what felt like slow-motion, I reached out for his hand and fell short of grabbing it because I was too busy doing a giant belly flop on the floor. Not only did I do a massive belly flop, but when I bounced upward, my shirt flew up over my head and exposed my bra to everyone. To add to the gracefulness of it all, I just began writhing around on the floor in disbelief as I began involuntarily moaning like a wounded farm animal.

The entire class gathered around to watch as the gym teacher helped me off the floor and insisted I ‘take a break.’ It was a great time. What made it even better was when a stupid girl from class came up to me and said, “Oh my God, you just totally humiliated yourself in front of everyone! You must be so embarrassed!” 

I wanted to hit her, but the wind had just been knocked out of me at full speed, so I just gave her a vacant stare.

3. Whilst in college, some friends and I were walking around a shopping center when we got split up. I could see them walking towards me, completely unaware I was up ahead. So, I did the mature thing and calmly waited for them to spot me. Just kidding! I totally hid behind the soda machine so I could pop out and scare them.

Anyway, I waited patiently behind the soda machine until I could hear them getting closer, then I leaped out from behind the machine and began flailing my arms while making a “BAAAAHHHH” noise. Of course, the person I startled wasn’t a friend. It was an innocent stranger who just happened to be strolling by when he got attacked by a crazy lady crouching behind a soda machine.

I still remember the look of primal fear in his eyes.  And I will also never forget the look of oh-my-God-she’s-really-lost-it-what-the-hell-is-she-doing look in the eyes of my friends as they witnessed me terrify a middle-aged man without reason.

I tried to reconcile with the frightened man by trying to explain that I was only trying to scare my friends, but as I reached out for his arm, he freaked out and began speed walking towards the door, looking back every few seconds to make sure I wasn’t following him.

Terror lurks behind this machine of tasty refreshments.

Terror lurks behind this machine of tasty refreshments.

4. I was having a really bad day at work a couple years ago, so I sent my husband a text that read, “I’m gonna need some sex later.” Except I didn’t send it to my husband. I accidentally sent it to a married, male coworker I was texting simultaneously about a work-related matter.

I didn’t realize what I had done until he sent a message back that said, “Um…”

I immediately sent him a message apologizing and explaining that text was meant for my husband. He was understanding, and we had a good laugh about it. However, I am certain he probably thought I was dropping signals at him later that month whenever I accidentally kissed him on the neck.

How do you accidentally kiss someone on the neck? Well, it’s no easy feat. But, for those experienced in the art of humiliation it is just another day at the office. You see, I just so happened to be his Secret Santa that year. Upon opening his gift at the office, he reached over to give me ‘thank you’ hug. Being the awkward introvert that I am, I went one direction while he went another in the midst of the completely platonic embrace and my lips pressed against his neck.

It was a complete mishap, purely unintentional. We both just acted like it didn’t happen, but his wife was cutting me dirty looks at the company Christmas party a few days later. So, I’m fairly certain he thought I was making subtle advances at him.

5. A few years ago at the movies, I tried to make a dramatic exit after someone pissed me off. Instead of making a graceful exit, I slipped and fell, wedging myself between the floor and the seat in front of me. I had to wriggle myself out of my predicament as onlookers stared.

me

6. I went on a high school skiing trip with a bus load of other kids. Before we left, the chaperons gave a long speech about the importance of being cautious and not to do anything stupid because they don’t want to make any trips to the hospital. Not 10 minutes out on the snow and I had a broken arm. The thing is- I didn’t even DO anything. I was just slowly skiing down a bump the size of an anthill and I suddenly started to pick up speed. I tried to stop myself by doing the ‘pizza slice’ motion but somewhere along the way, I caught some air and heard a crisp ‘crack’ noise. It sounded like someone snapped a tree branch in half. But, it wasn’t a tree branch. It was my arm and it had broken in three different places. The EMTs had to strap me to a board and pull me up the hill with a snowmobile. It wasn’t at all humiliating as the rest of my peers had to watch as people on the ski lift above me clapped their skis together so that snow would fall into my mouth. Good times.

7. I was leaving a crowded movie theater one night, and someone threw a giant fountain drink at me as I was walking down the stairs. On purpose, by the way.

8. In my teenage years, I had a really hot next door neighbor. He even went to private school. How dreamy. Anyway, I was always making up excuses to talk to him, which wasn’t that difficult because his cat, Tom McCracken, was always in our yard. One night I noticed something laying in the road. It was Tom McCracken, he’d been hit by a car. I immediately ran to Hot Neighbor’s house to alert him that his beloved cat had been squashed by oncoming traffic. Naturally, I was sad for the cat, but I was also excited about the fact that he might be so distraught he would need me to console him.

Hot Neighbor grabbed his flashlight and we ran into the darkness. As we came upon Tom McCracken’s lifeless body, he pointed his flashlight towards it and moved closer. We both stared at it in disbelief.

“Um…I think this is a rabbit,” he said. It was. It was a rabbit. To make matters even more embarrassing, Tom McCracken came up behind me and started rubbing against my leg.

“Oh…um…I’m really sorry,” I apologized. “I could have sworn it was your cat. You know, the darkness and all…”

“It’s cool. No problem,” he said as he switched his flashlight off and ran back towards his house.

I went home with a little less confidence that night. Apparently, I couldn’t even tell the difference between a dead rabbit and a cat. It was a rookie mistake.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know there are plenty of other embarrassing moments. These few memories barely scraped the surface. These weren’t even touching the intoxicated incidents- the drunken karaoke, the ripping of shower curtains, etc.. These were all done completely sober. So, rest assured, there’s plenty more to go around.

 

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5 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. snoogiefisk / Dec 9 2013 8:53 pm

    You should probably just stay drunk. You’ll have better coordination that way.

    • MissSteele / Dec 9 2013 9:25 pm

      You know, I didn’t realize until I started writing that post how often I fall. I will probably take your advice, though. It’s the holidays, after all. 🙂

  2. Sean Smithson / Dec 9 2013 9:24 pm

    I was originally going to go with no.2 but I think the cinema incident just pips it.

  3. MissSteele / Dec 9 2013 9:38 pm

    Yeah…that was pretty embarrassing. I was awkward before it was cool to be awkward.

  4. Aunt Shey / Dec 10 2013 12:56 am

    Omg “shower curtain” next please!!! That was hilarious!

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