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December 30, 2013 / MissSteele

‘Tis the Season to be Uninhibited and Boisterous, Amiright?

It’s common knowledge that the holiday season is taxing. This is news to no one. The stress is all around you, it’s everywhere you look the sixty-plus days prior to Christmas Day. If it’s not the stress of ensuring a perfect feast or a magical light display, it’s the financial straits of the holiday season that make everybody freak out like Gary Busey’s face when he makes eye contact with another human being.

gary-busey-300x

This. This is the face of holiday madness.

Would you like to go Christmas shopping for the 15 people on your list for whom you absolutely cannot afford to buy anything, but are obligated to by social norms instilled by holiday etiquette and tradition? Well, great! So would everyone else, and they are willing to flog you with a hockey stick in the middle of a Walmart aisle over a Floopsy Poopsy Doll or whatever the hell kids play with these days. And that’s if you are even lucky enough to make it into the store without first having a Maury-style fist fight in the parking lot because some uppity bimbo gave you the stink eye before whipping her giant Yukon into your desired parking spot that you had so clearly staked claim upon before her ass came along. You had your blinker on and everything!

So, maybe you just avoid the stores altogether, hmm? Great idea. Except not really. You will still be flooded with unsolicited advertisements for articles that have titles like 5 Ways to Remain Stress Free This Holiday Season and Remedies for Keeping Calm During Christmas Time. 

You see, these articles are designed to help people cope with Christmas time. Yes, I said cope. Some people actually need a reminder not to stick their head in an oven during the most wonderful time of the year. The holiday season is notoriously so stressful that people need advice on how not to flip the fuck out and strangle their neighbor with popcorn garland because they were feeling a bit tense after a strand of lights burnt out on their nativity scene.

gary busey

I’m not going to go on a rant about how Christmas has gone from a festive and pleasant celebration into a giant cesspool of corporate greed because enough people do that already, but it really may have gotten out of control if people need advice on how to cope with the arrival of the holiday season.

However, I’m right there with them. I did buy the vast majority of my gifts online, which saved me from having to stab someone because they swiped that vanilla-scented candle I was eyeing. However, online gifts aren’t saving you a bundle, and Pinterest ruined my life. So, there’s that.

Each time I looked at a computer screen, my brain was flooded with images of DIY Christmas decor and holiday treat recipes that my compulsively crafty self could not resist. I made peppermint topiaries out of foam balls, I made Christmas trees out of tomato cages, I made wreaths from ornament balls. If I saw it, I made it. I couldn’t stop myself. I was like an out-of-control addict. One night, my husband came home to find me huddled in a corner, covered in glitter and dried glue. I had collapsed from pure exhaustion. I was trying to cry, but my tear-ducts were too dry from the dehydration I had experienced because I had forgotten to drink in the midst of the crafting frenzy.

I had managed to let Pinterest convince me that if I didn’t have an advent calendar made out of a muffin tin and homemade salt-dough ornaments, I would be failing Christmas. I had run myself ragged, I had spent WAY to much money on crafting supplies, and my OCD husband was in danger of having a panic-attack induced from all the glitter caked to the counter tops.

“You can’t get rid of glitter,” he said as he scrubbed the counter tops with a wild look in his eye. “Glitter never leaves. It will never go away!”

He was right, glitter is the herpes of the craft world. It never really goes away. But, in my glue-gun addiction faze, the lines had become blurred and I needed help. So, I drank some wine.

That pretty much did the trick because nothing eases the pressure pains of the holiday season like partaking in the Devil’s nectar. However, a word of caution to those who use the Jesus Juice to help erase their worries of upcoming festivities: Be sure not to overdo it.

I don’t really have to remind anyone that going overboard with alcohol can create a whole slew of issues. A glass or two of wine at family dinner is one thing, but don’t down the whole bottle by yourself and make it awkward for everyone when you start professing your wish to be “Jennifer Aniston’s tampon” like someone in my family did.

Please, for everyone’s sake, just be sure you can handle your liquor. Don’t be like my husband, who got drunk and told everyone at his office Christmas party that I had a “beautiful vagina.” That wasn’t embarrassing at all. But, he’s not a habitual drinker, so I should have anticipated the backlash when he started swigging vodka like it was water. The holiday madness had become to much for him, and he needed to let loose. He just got a little too loose.

Oh well, ’tis the season to be jolly and whatnot. ‘Tis also the season to have your life choices mocked at the dinner table by distant relatives you only see twice a year, but that’s another story.

Happy New Year, everybody! You made it through another holiday season!

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One Comment

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  1. snoogiefisk / Dec 30 2013 9:42 pm

    I’m a survivor too! Though I did mutilate my cedar tree in the name of decoration. When I went to arrange my boughs of cedar last years glitter kept sprinkling to the floor from the mantle. WTH? I vacuumed that damned thing too! Glitter NEVER goes away! Pearl likes glitter though. She races to lick it up as fast as she can so that she will have sparkly poop.

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