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January 22, 2014 / MissSteele

I Would Have Rather It Been a Honey Badger

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Most everyone will admit to being afraid of something. Whether it be heights, germs, or porcelain dolls who have the dead eyes of Satan’s mistress, many of us fear something. Granted, many of these “fears” appear irrational to outsiders and seem crazy to other people who do not experience the same level of terror when faced with, let’s say, a nail file for example. Yes, that’s right. I once knew a girl who had a phobia of nail files. If she even so much as heard someone in the near vicinity rubbing that sandpapery goodness on their finger tips, she would start hysterically crying and run away.

I also once knew a grown man who ran through a glass door because someone threw a rubber snake at him. Granted, he thought it was a real snake, but he still RAN THROUGH A FUCKING GLASS DOOR. Let that just sink in for a second. A grown man, when faced with the decision to either be in the same room as a snake or force his body through plate glass that could rip the flesh from his bones, he opted for the glass. The thought of having his skin ripped open by jagged pieces of glass and having to be stitched up like Ed Gein’s newest lampshade was less terrifying to him in that moment than a child’s toy. He had to go to the hospital immediately afterwards to have his arms and face stitched up, but at least we know his fight-or-flight responses work just fine.

So yeah, I’d say fear is a pretty strong emotion.

With that said, I have no problem admitting to you that I am terrified of spiders. I’m not hurl-myself-through-a-plate-glass-door type of petrified, but I would most likely piss myself if I saw one crawling up my leg. Would I pass out from fear? Absolutely not. Would I set my house of fire if I discovered a nest of spiders huddling together like a damn jamboree? You bet I would. I would torch that bitch. There would be nothing left of it but the reminiscence of scorched earth.

Which reminds me, someone showed me a lovely viral video the other day in which a young man sees a giant, fuzzy thing in a crevice and decides to poke it with his finger to see what happens. You know, for funsies. Would you like to know what happened? Well, I crapped my pants. Oh, you meant the video? Well, the fuzzy huddle erupted into 1,000 spiders bouncing towards the camera like someone dropped a box of marbles, but instead of marbles they were horrifying organisms of terror on eight legs.

If you are a glutton for punishment or simply hate yourself, you can click on this link to see the actual video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo7jetYB-0Q

Would you poke this thing?

Of course I know that most spiders are harmless and blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know this. They don’t call it an irrational fear for nothing. I know that I can easily kill spiders. I know that most of them are not venomous and they totally cannot hold you at knife-point and mug you or anything. I know all of these things. I am still afraid of them. I don’t know what it is about them, but I just really hate those fuckers.

I am not bothered by bugs, snakes, mice, or any other sort of varmint, as they say ’round here. I don’t want to cuddle up with a sewer rat and read it a bedtime story or anything, but I would much prefer it over a spider. I would have also rather discovered a honey badger in my shower than this:

LOOK AT THIS!

LOOK AT IT!

Yes, when I drew back my shower curtain to turn on the faucet, my eyes beheld this monstrosity! I am not exaggerating when I say it was almost half the size of the actual bathtub drain. It was the biggest spider I had ever seen in real life, outside of a pet store or a zoo.

Naturally, I did the logical thing and started shrieking like a banshee with pants full of terror shits and ran out of the bathroom. Of course, my husband had to assist with getting rid of the unsightly thing because I could not go within three feet of it, so he grabbed his shoe and stormed in there. The whole way to the bathroom he kept saying, “It’s just a spider! Stop screaming! I thought you cut your leg off shaving or something!”

“Don’t just wash it down the drain!” I screamed at him as he entered the door. “It’ll crawl back up!”

I’m sure he was expecting some tiny, little spider that could have easily been killed with the pinch of his fingers. Yet, when he walked into the bathroom I heard, “OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?! I don’t know whether to kill it or put a saddle on it and ride it into town!”

The spider sensed its impending doom, so it began darting around the tub. With every sudden movement the spider made, I squawked like a wounded barn owl in the highest decibel imaginable.

“You have got to calm down!” he demanded. “The neighbors are going to think I’m stabbing you in here!”

He finally swatted it with his giant shoe, but it only appeared to have angered it. He began furiously banging his shoe into the tub as I shouted, “GET IT! GET IT! OH MY GOD! GET IT! WHY WON’T IT DIE?!”

It turns out, my husband’s size 13 shoe wasn’t quite strong enough to defeat the eight-legged beast without a dozen or so smacks, but he finally killed it. The damn thing was dead. I could finally take a shower. Of course, I showered in the other bathroom to be safe. It may have had friends who were coming back to avenge its death. Don’t worry though, they never showed up. And to think, I bought all that lighter fluid for nothing.

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8 Comments

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  1. BrantleyNewton / Jan 22 2014 9:55 pm

    I once saw a spider in my car, scurrying across the dashboard on the passenger side (where my girlfriend was sitting). Now my girlfriend jumps when her pop tart pops out of the toaster, so I told her to stay still and be calm because I knew that if I just bashed the dashboard suddenly it would probably give her a heart attack. When I missed the spider and it scurried away to plot it’s revenge, she screamed like a lunatic. For some reason, my frustration with failing to slay the beast coupled with my annoyance that her shriek made me jump so I soon found myself scolding her. My words? “You aren’t even afraid of spiders!!!!” It was true, butt still such a ludicrous thing to shout out of anger that we both busted out laughing at the absurdity of it all.

    • MissSteele / Jan 23 2014 2:30 pm

      Haha, I would have veered my car off the road if I saw a spider on my dashboard. Then, I would have lit it on fire.

  2. snoogiefisk / Feb 2 2014 8:27 pm

    My brother shares your terror. He once picked me up and threw me into the bathroom with a spider and shut the door. He then demanded that I kill it as he danced around outside like a little girl.

    • MissSteele / Feb 3 2014 9:32 pm

      I am overcome with irrational fear-dancing each time I spot one. It is terrible!

  3. reocochran / Feb 12 2014 10:21 pm

    I am not scared of Daddy Long Legs, and had the job of helping other girl scouts by taking them out of their tents. But I would be totally scared of a hairy spider, or one that exploded into miniatures in multiples! Yikes! This was a great post and funny, too!

    • MissSteele / Feb 13 2014 3:57 am

      Oh yeah, I was also a Girl Scout. I remember camping and seeing a spider inside the latrine and I freaked out! Lol thanks for stopping by!

  4. PositiveBoomer / Feb 14 2014 9:19 pm

    HI. Thanks for following my blog. I hate spiders! 🙂 They creep my out so bad. Those huge spiders, we call them ‘wolf spiders’. lol

    • MissSteele / Feb 14 2014 9:22 pm

      Yeah, I just call them ‘OH MY GOD’. lol

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